Fast Times At Hogwarts conglomerate
by postcount0
Summary: A compilation of chapters written by various forum members and staff. Very strange indeed, expect to be offended if you like Harry Potter. If you're a muggle: do not enter.WARNING: LEMONS
1. Candlelight

This is a compilation of chapters from the forum regulars at postcount0 (check my homepage for details about postcount0). Any member is allowed to contribute, even a new member (so go sign up now ;)).

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Written by: Dewaldo (postcount0 member)

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Harry sat staring at the ceiling, he hadn't slept for four days straight but he knew his ticket to freedom was soon at hand. After another hectic and heartbreaking year at Hogwarts Harry settled back down at the Dursley's, cramped in his small room. As soon as he arrived at the small house on Privet drive Harry had isolated himself in his room, sleeping in the day and awaking only at night to sneak some of the Dursley's left-over food.  
Finally, Harry heard the long awaited tap on his window. He opened it up to let in the happy and well-fed owl Hedwig.  
"You could have eaten later, this is important," Harry, scolded the bird, noticing the smell of the kill that encircled Hedwig. Harry unrolled the parchment. It read:  
To Mr. Harry Potter, The Ministry of Magic recognizes your need to apparate in the vicinity of questionable non-magic folk and has granted you permission to apparate within to your chosen location.

"Yes!" Harry silently rejoiced, folding up the parchment and grabbing his belongings. "I guess this is goodbye." Harry said to the small room, grabbing his wand and chanting the incantation. With a sickening lurch that wrenched his stomach into his chest Harry appeared directly inside The Burrow. There sat Mrs. Weasley in her night gown, brooding over a cup of tea.  
"You always knew how to penetrate fortresses, Harry." Mrs. Weasley said, putting down her tea.  
"Um...thanks."  
"But what's this." said Mrs. Weasley pointing at Harry's eyebrow, which had moved down onto his cheek. "You better come into my room and I'll fix you up." Mrs. Weasley led Harry into an ornate candlelight room. "You better drop to your skivvies so I can see if anything else is not as it should be." Mrs. Weasley said seductively.  
(Bow chicka wow-wow)


	2. A Late Night

Written by: Juno (postcount0 moderator)

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"Uh, Mrs. Weasley, I don't think I need to, I'm sure everything is fine." Said Harry. But Mrs. Weasley stepped forward and put her hand on his shoulder and said coolly,  
"Nonsense, Harry there's nothing to be afraid of. I've seen it all before. I do have three sons, remember?"  
"Yes but I'm not your son. If anyone found out this could be taken in the wrong way…"  
"Oh, shush and take them off" she said pushy. So he did and as he took of his trousers she looked down at his penis.  
"Oh, Harry its just like your fathers." She reached out and put her hand on it and started stroking it tenderly.  
Suddenly Ginny came round the corner, saw what was happening and retreated to a peeking position. She watched Harry as he got an erection and then she walked up behind her mother and hit her on the back of the head with a pan. Ginny then grabbed Harry's hand and dragged him away.  
"Quickly come to my room. You'll be safe there!" So together they went into Ginny's room and she locked the door behind them.  
"Ok… What the hell were you doing, Harry?" Said Ginny angrily. As she walked over to Harry menacingly.  
"I…I don't know. She must have used a seducing spell of some kind"  
"Oh, Harry" Sighed Ginny, as she reached out and held Harry. "Please, promise me you'll never do it again. Tell me I'm the only one!"  
"Ginny, you know I love you. And I would never consciously hurt you. I love you."  
"And I you… Now lets fuck!" Harry looked startled. Maybe the spell had rubbed off onto her, he thought.  
"Uh, sure! But what about everyone else wont they hear us?" Harry said quite shaken.  
"Of course not, now come on!"  
So Harry and Ginny had sex that night. Passionate and hot, they did it all night until Harry was all out and they decided that that was enough. But afterwards Harry couldn't sleep. He lay there thinking all night. What would happen now? Was she pregnant? And what if she was, what then? All these questions going round in his mind. So he decided to go for a walk. He slipped out of the bed without waking Ginny and went along the corridor.  
He could hear something coming from the other end of the corridor so he thought it best if he went and saw what it was. He saw Ron's room door was slightly open and noticed him and Hermione were having anal sex. He knocked on the door. 


	3. Cockface

Written by: Dewaldo (postcount0 member)

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Harry slowly crept into the room and noticed that it was covered in an assortment of wrappers.  
"Oh Harry, I'm glad your here," said Hermoine desperately, still bent over. "We've been stuck like this for hours. It's all because of stupid Fred and George. They sold us these stupid sex toys and stuff!" Harry bent over and picked up a wrapper, it read, "Penis popper: The only gum that's soft in your mouth and hard in your pants"  
"How many of these things did you take?" Harry asked turning to Ron. But Ron responded with a weird sucking sound. Harry gasped, looking at the giant penis that was now Ron's face.  
"I tried a counter charm but it's hard when your bent over like this." Harry wracked his brain for a countering charm but couldn't think of anything. Suddenly Harry was feeling tired.  
"I'm going to hit the hay." Harry said collapsing in Ron's bed.

"Breakfast is on!" Mrs. Weasley's shout could be heard from downstairs. Harry quickly got dressed and headed downstairs. On the way there Harry ran into the very grumpy Ron and Hermione.  
"I'm glad to see you two aren't stuck together" Harry said eyeing up the two.  
"I tried counter spells all night and this is the best I could get." Hermione said spinning Ron around. Ron's red hair and freckled face were now visible, but a large flaccid penis hung in the middle of his forehead.  
"You go down for breakfast Harry, we'll catch up to you" Hermione said, applying different headgear to Ron in order to hide his facial genitalia.


	4. Sexy Dancing

Written by Citin (postcount0 moderator)

Harry quickly bounded down the stairs, eager to get away from Ron and Hermoine before either of them noticed how much Ron's new penis was turning him on. As he rounded the corner relief flooded into him like a soothing smell of anal lube, but that relief quickly disappeared when he saw the scene that was laid out before him in the dining room.

A very stern looking Mr. Weasley was sitting the far end of the dining room table. His gaze never left Harry as he stood their jaw agape quickly searching for some means of escape. Slowly his gaze rose and he saw two women, Ginny and Mrs. Weasley, sitting limply behind Mr. Weasley both of them had fresh welts forming on their faces. He tried to look Ginny in the eye, but her head hung limply and the few glimpses he got of her eyes showed an emptiness that chilled him to the core.

"What happened..."? Harry began, but he was quickly cut off as Mr. Weasley rose threateningly to his feet.

"These are troubling times Harry my boy," Mr. Weasley said mildly, "so I'm sure you can't blame a man for wanting a little more protection in his own home." He then raised his wand and, with a quick flash of his wrist, summoned a large television onto the middle of the table. Mr. Weasley walked around, turned on the T.V. and then stood beside it and watched, as did Harry.

Displayed before the two was a summary of all of last night's antics, which caused Harry to pale visibly. Mr. Weasley then turned to Harry and raised his wand menacingly.

"Where's my wand?" Thought Harry, not daring to move his hand for fear of provoking an attack from Mr. Weasley. Instead he backed away slowly around the corner, and as he did he could feel his wand in his pocket, gingerly bumping up against his leg.

"Now," said Mr. Weasley, "to do the task that will that will give me much honour in the eyes of my new lord."

However, when Mr. Weasley turned the corner, intent on killing Harry and horribly defiling his corpse, he was stunned and was left mouth open unable to move. There on the floor, behind Harry was Ron and Hermoine, intimately entwined. This came to no surprise to him; after all he had triumphantly watched the beginning of his son's brilliant achievement the night before. What surprised him was that, instead of simply kissing, Hermoine was currently engaged in sucking a large penis off his son's face.

Harry saw his opportunity and took it. He wasn't sure what had frozen Mr. Weasley but he quickly ran straight for the dinning room, unfortunately missing the sight of his two best friends' passionate entanglement. He quickly grabbed the flu powder container that always rested over the fireplace and threw the entire pot into the flames. Behind him he heard Mr. Weasley begin to come out of his trance and begin casting Magic Missiles in all directions. So, he hurriedly jumped into the flames and called out his destination. At once he was off to Diagon Alley... he hoped, but he wasn't entirely surprised when the dust cleared and he found himself in a familiar shop in the middle of Knock turn Alley.


End file.
